Gamer’s Gullet – Taco Bell’s Cap’n Crunch Delights Review

Balls in Your Mouf –

Over a year ago, we covered Taco Bell’s new breakfast menu. Unfortunately, we did not have a chance to cover the Cinnabon Delights, little bite sized cinnamon puffs, mostly because we were still sick from the Waffle Taco. Taking what they have learned from their original Cinnabon model, Taco Bell has partnered with Cap’n Crunch cereal to give you even more reason to hate yourself.

Yum, looks good, right?

They look like burnt chicken nuggets

Served warm, Taco Bell Cap’n Crunch Delights are about golf ball sized Cap’n Crunch puffs that are filled with milk icing. For this review, I purchased the 4-pack, as opposed to the 2-pack or 12-pack, and was packaged in a simple red paper bag. The 2-pack will set you back $1, this 4-pack was a little under $2, and the dozen-pack will make you cry regardless of price because no man should eat that many bites in one sitting without a suicide wish. It also seems weird to sell these in 2, 4, and 12 – all or nothing. The grease also started eating through the paper bag.

No, this is food, not porn...

No, this is food, not porn…

As you can see from the embedded pictures my Delights look nothing like the official Taco Bell photography. The outer puff shell is unbelievably greasy and is colored a muddy red/burnt brown, the milk icing center should instead be renamed to “drops of sorrow”, and the taste is overall muted and dull. What is strange is the overall texture of these hushpuppies; instead of having the roof of your mouth roughed up like a normal bowl of Cap’n Crunch, these sugar bombs are squishy and soft. Like Crystal Pepsi, your taste buds don’t match what you are putting in your mouth and is just sort of confusing.

This one oozed out the top

This one oozed out the top

Disappointingly, the icing center is the most lacking. With a quantity comparable to a raindrop, the milky center isn’t all it’s cracked up to be and doesn’t look anywhere near as appealing as the official photography. At the same time, this shouldn’t be seen as a negative because the icing is actually pretty terrible and having more of it would only make these death balls worse.

Napkins won't be enough. You'll need soap, water, and a prayer to get clean.

Napkins won’t be enough. You’ll need soap, water, and a prayer to get clean.

Sacrificing the well-being of my body for the sake of this review, I cowboyed-up and ate all four of these poison puffs. Within about six minutes, my stomach starting feeling, well, not so great even after chugging a bottle of water with the aim of diluting the poison. Time will tell if I have more problems later (if you know what I mean) but right now as I am writing this I have that “I just ate a brick” feeling.

If you hate Cap'n Crunch, you'll hate these even more.

If you hate Cap’n Crunch, you’ll hate these even more.

Four bites might not sound like much but you know the end result is something special/unique/terrifying when mixing Taco Bell, the toilet of Mexican restaurants, with Cap’n Crunch, one of the worse breakfast cereals of all time. It is a hybrid no one saw coming and no one asked for and makes me worried for the future of mankind. What will they come up with next?

Not As Good As: you hoped
Better Than: Fruity Pebbles
Feels Like: eating unsweetened needles

By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief
Twitter: @ZackGaz

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One comment

  1. Avatar of Stan Stan says:

    You are one brave man. Those gooey balls of Satan and not something I would have dared put in my mouth… LOL

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