Gamer’s Gullet – Crystal Pepsi 2016 Review
Umm, it’s clear?
Makes you feel like it is 1993?
Sugar content is out of control
Chemicals And Sugar
Back in the early 90’s, Pepsi released Crystal Pepsi, a clear alternative to their popular caramel colored soft drink. While initial sales were solid, the fad quickly died and only remained in circulation for about a year. Fast forward to 2016 and Pepsi has brought back their secret recipe more or less for marketing purposes. But is this return a rising phoenix, or a rotting zombie of the dead?
You know what I don’t drink? Soda (aka Pop/soft drinks). Why don’t I drink soda? Well, I usually don’t enjoy putting harmful chemicals and poisons into my body. Also, the sugar content is off the chart. This Crystal Pepsi is not only loaded to the brim with sugar but the poisons found in this drink should make it illegal.
After buying this 20-ounce bottle for around two bucks, I chilled it in my refrigerator to get the full effect. Upon twisting off the cap, I was greeted with a thin whisper of fizz, as if the small amount of carbonation was farting at me. Even though I have not tasted any sort of pop in many years, I took it upon myself to smell the Crystal Pepsi before drinking it just to be sure I experienced everything this clear bottle has to offer. To my surprise, the smell was actually weaker than anticipated.
Drinking the Crystal Pepsi is a completely different story. This pint-sized bottle, according to the nutrition label, is a single serving size. With a whopping 250 calories and 69 grams of sugar, this bottle is pretty much liquid cocaine. It also has 69 grams of carbs and is powered by high fructose corn syrup and a couple different types of acid. There is literally acid inside this bottle. But, you know, Pepsi thinks it is ok for you to ingest.
Even though I knew this was going to kill me, I took a swig. At first, I was confused. Here it is. Cola. Which should be brown but looks like 7-Up. My initial response was not positive but I forced myself to down another gulp to form a more accurate opinion. Yup, that is pretty gross.
Overall, the pop tasted flat, as if the bottle was left open for a day or two; the carbonation simply was not strong at all. Honestly, this sort of tasted like a diet pop with that awkward, hanging after taste. But after letting the Crystal Pepsi sit in my stomach for a minute, I realized how much a hated life. The stomach cramps started pretty much immediately after swallowing, forcing me to dump the rest of the bottle down the drain. I wanted to puke. I started to see stars. Worst yet, I felt my teeth tingling from all the sugar. If I didn’t immediately brush my teeth, I am pretty sure everything in my mouth would have rotten away to dust. This is probably the unhealthiest thing I have reviewed for Gamer’s Gullet.
Crystal Pepsi is not good. It is not good for you. It is not good for anybody. This clear liquid is literally liquefied sugar and chemicals and if you drink an entire bottle of this, one serving size according to the label, you will instantly get diabetes and your foot will fall off. Crystal Pepsi will kill you as it is probably one of the unhealthiest “food” items I have ever seen. And it isn’t worth it because it doesn’t even taste good.
Not As Good As: a Slurpee
Better Than: diet soda?
Also Try: shooting yourself in the face
By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief myGamer.com