Gamer’s Gullet – Burger King Chicken Fries Review
The chicken on the box can give your enemies nightmares
Umm, I guess they won’t kill you..? Or will they?
If you had “eat a dog turd” on your bucket list…
They hate you.
Does Chicken Belong in Fry Format? –
Breasts. Fingers. Strips. Tenders. Nuggets. Rings. Dinosaur. Buffalo. BBQ. Fried. Grilled.
Chicken comes in many shapes, sizes and types. My question, however, is – does chicken really need to be in fry format? I am pretty sure to answer to that is resounding no.
Burger King, cockily the self-proclaimed king of burgers, has expanded their repertoire in the chicken industry by selling long, skinny chicken fingers in which they call fries. Boy, and fried they are! See the images below? Take note of the gross dog turd-like color that is the BK Chicken Fry. Outside of cropping, these images were not Photoshopped to look grosser than they already are.
While I have not eaten a dog turd, the texture of these chicken fries probably are not too far off from your pet’s excrement after eating a mix of both wet and dry feed. One chicken fry I had was basically hollow, only a burnt shell of a casing remained. Other fries were more full but still had a squishy but yet crispy texture, as if they were fried several minutes too long. Or like eating a pimple that is popping in your mouth. Either way. Whatever.
Perhaps the stand out feature of these chicken fingers are not the chicken portions but maybe the actual container they arrive in. Wrapped in a cartoon chicken face creepier than the Burger King himself, this franchised burger chain encourages social media posts of these fried snacks as they started their own #chickenfries hashtag which is clearly indicated and prominently highlighted on the box. However, it seems nearly impossible to use this hashtag without using the #gross, #dogturd and #IhateMyLife hashtag in the same tweet.
There were eight of these chicken pieces stuffed inside the carton. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until I got home from the drive-thru did I realize that I didn’t receive any sauce; eating eight plain chicken fries can be rather uneventful. If it wasn’t for the unique little sauce packet holder at the top of the chicken fries container, I would not have known sauce was even an option. Perhaps I was supposed to ask for some? Maybe just the dude forgot to include one? And if there was sauce, what flavor would it have been? Buffalo? Ranch? Puke? Sorrow? The world might never know.
My biggest problem with the chicken fries was actually how they made me feel. Besides the emotional and mental anguish I faced when forcing myself to consume these dog-waste fries for the sake of this stupid article, the physical discomfort by far outweighed my mental well-being. Within about 20 minutes I had killer nausea and even spawned a headache. The instant regret only made the statement “I paid money for this pain” flash over and over in my mind. Only after pounding about a gallon of water to flush my system did I start to feel better. Now I only wish I was able to flush away my memories.
Not only am I asking if chicken deserves to be converted into a fry, I am also asking if Burger King really should even be in the chicken business to begin with. Their namesake would imply otherwise. At the end of the day I guess it doesn’t really matter as I won’t be putting any more of their fried fingers in my mouth or down my throat.
Not As Good As: not eating them
Better Than: eating cat poop?
Also Try: swallowing ping pong sized stones
By: Zachary Gasiorowski, Editor in Chief myGamer.com