I don't like video games. Actually I really hate them. Usually when I play them, my fingers and toes start to inexplicably bleed. I went to the doctor about this, but he was too busy playing the newest Grand Theft Auto to care and I sat in the waiting room for three hours and twelve minutes. Listening to him play Grand Theft Auto in the other room caused sympathy bleeding of my toes and fingers. I asked the receptionist for a band-aid and all she said was "What do you think this is, a doctor's office?" I decided to try the free clinic, to see if they had band-aids, but I didn't have any money for a cab so I had to walk six miles. Halfway there, I was tackled by a police officer who beat me senseless.
When I woke up, I was in an interrogation room. I could tell it was an interrogation room because it had a big one-way mirror; I could tell it was a one-way mirror because they make odd ghost reflections. I thought that it could possibly be blood loss from my fingers and toes but decided against it. Shortly after I regained consciousness an officer came in and said I fit the description and wanted to know where the trail of blood came from. I explained to him that it happens when I play video games. He challenged this fact by asking if I had ever gone to the doctor for this malady, except he didn't use quite the same language. I told him that that’s where I was but my doctor was busy playing Grand Theft Auto, but as soon as I said that the officer collapsed. I don't know why. After an indeterminable amount of time, I decided nobody was going to come check up on the erstwhile officer; I guessed that he had appendicitis, but his doctor was busy playing Grand Theft Auto as well. I took his keys and casually strolled out of the police station. When I got home, I decided to play Animal Crossing, but shortly thereafter my fingers and toes started bleeding again. I decided to solve this problem once and for all.
I went to the local animal shelter and told them I wanted all of their cats. At first they didn't believe me. I had to convince them that I would take care of twenty seven cats, fourteen of which were longhair, twelve of which were shorthair, and one of which had no hair. I asked if it was okay if I gave a few of them mohawks, and they said no, so I asked if it was okay to shave the hair off of the twenty six who had hair so that the hairless one wouldn't feel so bad, and they said no to that too. Then I told them I had a requisition in for fifty litterboxes from PetCo, and they decided that was good enough. I had a hard time carrying all the cats home, and eventually had to carry them all by their tails. I named them all fluffernutter, except for the hairless one whom I named chocotaco.
As soon as I got the cats home, they started crapping on the rug. I knew this was okay because cats will eat their own crap eventually. I tested my theory by playing Animal Crossing again, and I found out that I was completely correct. As soon as my fingers and toes started bleeding, the cats came over and started licking them. I knew that I and the cats, especially chocotaco, would live together in happiness for the rest of our years. But I still don’t like video games.