Jokes

Yo mommas so fat, when she was tanning on the beach then some kid pokes her thinking shes a dead whale.

:)
 
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, when Jack asks his wife, “Betty, have you ever cheated on me?”

Betty replies, “Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question.”

“Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please.”

“Well, all right. Yes, three times…”

“Three?!? Well, when were they?” he asked.

“Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years-old and you really wanted to start a business on your own, and no bank would give you a loan? But, then one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?”

“Oh, Betty, you did that for me? I guess I can’t be too upset about that. Well, when was number 2?”

“Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and needed that very risky operation that no surgeon was willing to perform? And, remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to perform the surgery himself?”

“Betty, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life. To do such a thing, you must truly love me darling. How can I be upset with that?”

“So, all right then, when was number 3?”

“Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?”
 
I haven't read through all 25 pages of this thread so forgive me if these are repeats.

A sandwich walks into a bar and bartender scowls and points to the door. "Get out, we don't serve food here!"

and

A Minister, a priest, and a Rabbi walk into a bar and the bartender says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"

Thank you for your time and attention.
 
That was awesome.

10 best excuses when you get caught falling asleep on your desk:


10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken..."

2. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."

And the #1 best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
 
A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
problem of stuttering.

Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...
 
Due to the climate of political correctness now
pervading America... Kentuckians, Tennesseans, and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And furthermore..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" -

She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" -

She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" -

She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" -

She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" -

She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" -

She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" -

She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" -

She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you -

She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" -

She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" -

She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" -

She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" -

He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE

FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" -

He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" -

He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" -

He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" -

He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL

RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" -

He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" -

He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL

INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" -

He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" -

He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" -

He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his
pants - It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
 
This just in Sony has said that there will be extras for any and all who buy a PS3. Being that there are 2 versions there will be for prices.

For those of you not rich enough to get the $599 one and settle on the $499 you have a choice this.

1. Free 120 gift card to buy 2 PS3 games ( the card can be used at Lauch )


2. A chance to slap Ken for making so many promises that he will not keep. And a Free PS3 game.



If you are rich and get the $599 you get

1. 3 games as you want that will be at launch, Plus $150 cash back from Ken's pocket for buying the system.


2. You get to chose both options from the previous entries.


Also all customers who get the system will received a free "happy ending" form a cleb of their chosing.

Jessica Alba here I come
 
I find them all over the place. I get some emailed to me, and I do make up or embellish on old ones I know.

For instance:

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at
me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then
says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a
valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in
shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl
could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think
that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.
And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love
everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell
everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound
pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow his damn head off."
 
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.”
So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.”

The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I''ve got.”

The bartender says, “What''ve you got?”

The guy says, “75 cents.”
 
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"
 
Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."
 
Great! keep up the flawless job! I would post a lot of jokes but I can't think of any right now. Also, please keep this limited to any types of jokes only (practical jokes can be posted here but no racial jokes allowed)
 
Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms.
Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, Johnny, when I was a
child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would
stay like that.

Johnny looked up and replied, Well, Ms. Smith, you cant say you werent
warned
 
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