Jokes
- Thread starter tamj
- Start date
John: Dad, can you help me with math?
Dad: What is the problem?
John: What is 5Q+5Q
Dad: 10Q
John: You're welcome
Dad: What is the problem?
John: What is 5Q+5Q
Dad: 10Q
John: You're welcome
Here are some jokes:
1) A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
2) It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
1) A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ”
The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.
If only men would listen.
2) It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.
"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"
"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?"
"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead."
"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."
There is a long pause.
"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"
It's BB Kings birthday and his wife hasn't bought him a gift yet. She's undecided on what to do for him, but she knows it has to be something special.
"I know! I'll tatoo his initals on myself, he'll love that"
She heads to a tatoo parlor and decides to have one letter on each butt cheek.
BB King arrives home and his wife runs to him, hugs and kisses him and whispers in his ear
"I have something special for you"
She takes a step back pulls down her pants, bends over and shows BB the tattoos. BB King responds
"Who's BOB
"I know! I'll tatoo his initals on myself, he'll love that"
She heads to a tatoo parlor and decides to have one letter on each butt cheek.
BB King arrives home and his wife runs to him, hugs and kisses him and whispers in his ear
"I have something special for you"
She takes a step back pulls down her pants, bends over and shows BB the tattoos. BB King responds
"Who's BOB
An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, "I just had a silent fart...what do you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A blonde with two burnt ears went to the doctor, who asked what had happened.
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
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A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said “You must be a good dentist.” He replied, “How did you know I'm a dentist.” She said, “I didn't feel a thing.”
"The phone rang, and I accidentally picked up the iron."
"What about the other one?"
"They called back."
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A woman met a man at a club and went back to his place for sex. Afterward, she said “You must be a good dentist.” He replied, “How did you know I'm a dentist.” She said, “I didn't feel a thing.”
This is quite possibly the absolutely worst Joke I’ve ever heard. However, I know you’ll get a chuckle out of it. Have a good weekend.
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, “Dat’s dem.”
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yah, sure, ve’ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage up dere” says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag, Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven’s pickup. They drive to the top of some big cliffs near the Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000ft. drop and says, “Dis looks like the right place.”
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and leaps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says “By yumpin’ yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.” Before he leaves, his brother Knute arrives. He’s been to the pet shop too and is carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in another.
“Hey, Ole. Vatch dis.” Knute says. He takes out a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the bird. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, “And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either.” As he turns to go, Lars appears. He’s been to the pet shop also and is carrying a third paper bag. He pulls out a chicken, grabs a leg in each hand and holds it over his head. Then he charges over the edge of the cliff and plummets to the rocks below.
Once more, Ole shakes his head. “First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, then Knute parrotshooting, and now Lars is dead of hengliding. . .”
Two Minnesotans walk into a pet shop near Brainerd. They head to the bird section and Sven says to Ole, “Dat’s dem.”
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
“Yah, sure, ve’ll take four of dem dere budgies in dat cage up dere” says Sven.
The owner puts the budgies in a paper bag, Ole and Sven pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Sven’s pickup. They drive to the top of some big cliffs near the Brainerd Lake. At the cliffs, Sven looks down at the 1000ft. drop and says, “Dis looks like the right place.”
He takes two birds out of the bag, puts them on his shoulders and leaps off the cliff. Ole watches as Sven falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Ole shakes his head and says “By yumpin’ yiminy, dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me.” Before he leaves, his brother Knute arrives. He’s been to the pet shop too and is carrying another paper bag in one hand and a shotgun in another.
“Hey, Ole. Vatch dis.” Knute says. He takes out a parrot from the bag and throws himself over the edge of the cliff. Ole watches as half way down, Knute takes the gun and shoots the bird. Knute continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.
Ole shakes his head and says, “And I’m never trying dat parrotshooting either.” As he turns to go, Lars appears. He’s been to the pet shop also and is carrying a third paper bag. He pulls out a chicken, grabs a leg in each hand and holds it over his head. Then he charges over the edge of the cliff and plummets to the rocks below.
Once more, Ole shakes his head. “First der was Sven with his budgie jumping, then Knute parrotshooting, and now Lars is dead of hengliding. . .”
wow, that was bad, I have one that will hopefully revive this thread
Julie and Lisa are completely drunk walking at 2 am. They start walking across a bridge and decide to stop for a little bit and admire the view of a river below.
"I'm really trashed" says Julie
"Yeah, me too, plus I gotta Pee" says LIsa
Looking around and seeing no one else she stands over the bridge rail, pulls up her skirt, lowers her underwear and squats down.
"Watch, I'm going to pee on that canoe" says Lisa.
"Ummmm, Lisa" responds Julie, "thats no canoe, thats your reflection"
Julie and Lisa are completely drunk walking at 2 am. They start walking across a bridge and decide to stop for a little bit and admire the view of a river below.
"I'm really trashed" says Julie
"Yeah, me too, plus I gotta Pee" says LIsa
Looking around and seeing no one else she stands over the bridge rail, pulls up her skirt, lowers her underwear and squats down.
"Watch, I'm going to pee on that canoe" says Lisa.
"Ummmm, Lisa" responds Julie, "thats no canoe, thats your reflection"
Some guy once said "I went to bed drinking the biggest thing of Tequila I'd ever seen. I woke up next to a toilet. I threw up when I remembered I ate the worm."
I have yet to see a bottle of tequila with an actual worm in it. I have seen tequila flavoed suckers with worms in them though. Hrm.
I think it has to be the authentic tequila from Mexico, because throwing worms into stuff has gotta be a health code violation or something.