Jokes

Here's a collection of one-liners.

Tennessee Redneck Jokes:

Did you hear about the Tennessee redneck who passed away and left
his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.

What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally
involved.

What's the most popular pickup line in Tennessee?
Nice tooth.

How do you know when you're staying in Tennessee?
When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the front desk says "go ahead".

How can you tell if a Tennessee redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age in
Tennessee to 32?
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Tennessee? A documentary.

What do they call Tennesseans in Kentucky? Life styles of the rich and
famous.

How many Tennessee rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Tennessee state lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

Did you hear that the Governor's mansion in Nashville burned
down?
Yep, pertinear took out the whole trailer park.

What's the best thing to come out of Tennessee?
I-40

A new law recently passed in Tennessee: When a couple gets
divorced, they are still brother and sister.

What do you get when you have 32 Tennesseans in the same room?
A full set of teeth.
 
A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"
 
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me!" the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

"Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

"If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens demanded.

The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."
 
As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
 
Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".
The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"
 
OK,

Its a late night at the bar a regular is sitting there quite drunk. The bartender says to the man, "sir you better go home its late". So the man gets out of his seat and immediatley falls to the ground. Aggravated he tries to stand again, but only falls. "this is ridiculous" the man shouts and crawls to his house. When he gets home he he ets up and falls into bed. The next morning his wife wakes him and say, "honey, the bar called. You left your wheelchair there AGAIN!"

A spick and a nigger jump off the empire state building, who hits first?

Who cares?

Did you here about the KU KLUX KnEVIL? He tried to jump 50 niggers with a steamroller
 
One day an out of work mime was visiting the zoo, where he attempted to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he started to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zookeeper explained to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla named Sparky, had died suddenly and the keeper was worried that attendance at the zoo would fall off without him. The zookeeper offered the mime a job to dress up as Sparky until they could get a new gorilla. The mime accepted.

The next morning, the mime put on a gorilla suit and entered the cage before the crowd arrived. He discovered that it was a great job! He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he was drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tired of him, and he was getting bored just swinging on tires. He began to notice that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top over the lion's cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper was thrilled, and even gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

This went on for some time, the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grew larger, and his salary kept going up. Then one terrible day when he was dangling over the furious lion, he lost his grip and fell. The mime was terrified. The lion gathered itself and prepared to pounce. The mime was so scared that he began to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. When no help came, and the crowd looked on in shock, the mime started screaming and yelling.

Help, Help me!" he screamed, but the lion was too quick and pounced. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion, who was just inches away from his face when he whispered, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?
 
I don't know whether this should count as a joke or a practical joke, because it's a true story.

At Clark Middle School, here in town, the 7th grade girls had developed a bad habit of putting on their new lipstick (since many of them had recently begun to really get into the whole makeup thing) and leaving a kiss-print on the mirror of the bathroom. Every day, the janitor had to clean it off, but it seemed to just get worse as more girls started doing it.

One day the principal called all the 7th grade girls into the bathroom. She pointed to the mirror and said that it took the janitor quite a while to clean off the lipstick. Then she asked the Janitor to demonstrate just how difficult it was. The Janitor took a squeegee from his cart, dipped it in the toilet and began scrubbing the mirror vigorously.

The mirror has been lipstick free for over a month.
 
Yeah they are sonsidering Blacks and Hispanics are racist all the time. Not the older ones who know what it used to be like in America, but these young blacks who take freedom and acceptance for granted and throw it up in everyones face with the way they behave. It really doesnt do any good to there culture's image.
 
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
 
A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to 'beautiful?'"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied
 
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.

One knight told his best friend - "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.

Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.

A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend.

He yells - "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
 
A guy took his blonde girlfriend on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, the guy catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. The guy turns to his girlfriend ans says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"

The girlfriend says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
 
A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat...

Says He: "I'm sorry honey but I'm up to my neck in work today"

Says She: "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

Says He: "OK darling, but since I've got no time now, just give me the good news, OK?"

Says She: "Well, the air bag works..."
 
A blonde reports for her university final exam which consists of mainly true and false questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet: true for heads and false for tails. Within thirty minutes she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still working furiously.

During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is happening.

"I finished the exam in a half hour," she replies. "And as I have more time left, I'm rechecking my answers."
 
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money. :moneybag: The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.

The third boy wanted a wheelchair :wheelchai , Bush said, “Why do you want one of those, son, you're not handicapped.” The boy replied, “I will be when my dad finds out whose life I saved.”
 
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