Jokes
- Thread starter tamj
- Start date
oors beer on kurruption::
*wipes beer off of face*
Wow spuds! I feel like your mom after a Saturday night, except this is beer and not urine.
Wow spuds! I feel like your mom after a Saturday night, except this is beer and not urine.
Asylum and I know a few people that age doesn't really matter to. Of course that usually applies to high school girls. Although I know this one guy who worked in a hotel once and knocked boots with an "older" woman who was away from the grandkids. . .
Well, there are some pretty young grandmas out there. Like...I know there are hundreds of grandmas in their 30s. And some in their 40s can be pretty damn good looking. But once you get past 45...it gets pretty damn easy to cross the line into the "HOLYCRAPGROSS" territory.
You are sooooo wrong, Jonas....but that's ok......Therapy is going great and you'll be feeling the Sweet Chin Music soon....hahahahaha
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
*During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty
*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.
*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.
*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.
*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
*All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
*Beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman; but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
*The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty
*Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
*A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
*Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
*If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
*Cars that crash will invariably burst into flames.
*Stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
*If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
*Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
*A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
*All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts, so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
*When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
*When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
*One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
*If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
*Laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of an invading alien civilization.
*Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends have died in a strange boating accident.
*All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of software.
*Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
*When they are alone, foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
*If you are a hero, you never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by your actions.
*You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
*Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
*You can tell if somebody is British because he will be wearing a bow tie.
*When driving a car, it is normal to look not at the road but rather at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
*Taxi drivers don't require exact or even approximate payment - the first bill you pull from your pocket is always correct.
*Having a job of any kind will make a father forget his son's eighth birthday.
*Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before retirement.
*The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating
cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."
The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came,
and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting
smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!
They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first
Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday, and they showed up telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each
boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued.
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...
The professor told them that they could have another day to study. That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each
boy just shrugged and went to the two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the first question.
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."
At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.
Then, the test continued.
"For 95 points, tell me which tire it was"...
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."
The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."
The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma."
A man was trying to console his new wife, who was crying like crazy: "Darling, believe me, I never said you were a bad cook. I just pointed out the fact that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer".
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound"...
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound"...
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"