Jokes

Dont be discouraged brethren! We can overcome this intrusion by ignoring the vandal and by ordering that no one must go to page 40 of this page by pain of death. We must not be defeated by a sole soul!





(And yes, that was the wierdest thing I've ever said.)
 
Two So-Cal guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in
court before the judge. The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to
go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them
to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday.

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one,
"How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:
_
/ \
| | O
\ _ /

and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this
(small circle) is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd
boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!"

"Well, I used the same two circles. I pointed to the
small circle and told them, "this is your butthole before prison......"
 
An old man in a nursing home was celebrating his 83rd birthday. One of the female residents stopped by his room to say hi.
"how are you doing today?" she asked.
"I'm celebrating my birthday, today," the man told the woman,"guess how old I am."
"drop your pants and let me feel your balls," she said.
The old man looked around and decided no one was watching, so he did as the woman said, and she began to feel his balls with her hand.
"you're 83," she said.
"how did you know?" the old man replied.
"you told me yesterday."
 
An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and the bees." When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this question?" The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."
 
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
 
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:

Ø 40-ish...................................49.
Ø Adventurous..........................Slept with everyone.
Ø Athletic..................................No breasts.
Ø Average looking.....................Moooo.
Ø Beautiful................................Pathological liar.
Ø Emotionally Secure................On medication.
Ø Feminist................................Fat.
Ø Free Spirit.............................Junkie.
Ø Friendship first.......................Former Slut.
Ø New-Age...............................Body hair in the wrong places.
Ø Old-fashioned........................No B.J.'s
Ø Open-minded.........................Desperate.
Ø Outgoing................................Loud and embarrassing.
Ø Professional...........................Bitch.
Ø Voluptuous.............................Very fat.
Ø Large frame...........................Hugely fat.
Ø Wants soul mate....................Stalker.


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø Yes........................................No
Ø No..........................................Yes
Ø Maybe....................................No
Ø We need.................................I want
Ø I am sorry...............................You'll be sorry
Ø We need to talk.......................You're in trouble
Ø Sure, go ahead........................You better not
Ø Do what you want....................You will pay for this later
Ø I am not upset.........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
Ø You're attentive tonight.............Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

Ø I am hungry..............................I am hungry
Ø I am sleepy..............................I am sleepy
Ø I am tired.................................I am tired
Ø Nice dress...............................Nice cleavage!
Ø I love you.................................Let's have sex now
Ø I am bored...............................Do you want to have sex?
Ø May I have this dance?.............I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I call you sometime?..........I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Do you want to go to a movie?..I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø Can I take you out to dinner?.....I'd like to have sex with you.
Ø I don't think those shoes go with that outfit...............I'm gay.
 
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.

The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"

Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"

"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.

"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"

Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"

The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"

Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"

The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.

"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.

"I'm a rectum stretcher!"

The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"

Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."

The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"

Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
 
A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a rabbit sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the rabbit fell dead. What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else killed that rabbit."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."
 
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Oh honey, please sit down. Your brother died last night!"
 
Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor.

"Father, I am sinful."
"Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you."

"Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend, it's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house, nobody was at home except for her sister. We were alone and I slept with her."

"That's bad my boy, fortunately you realize your mistake."

"Father, last week I went to her office to look for her, but nobody was around except for one of her colleagues, so I slept with her too."

"That's not very good of you."

"Father, last month, I went to her uncle's house to look for her, nobody was around except for her auntie, and I slept with her too."

"Father? ......... Father?" suddenly this guy realized that there was no response from the Father, he walked over and discovered that the Pastor was not there. So he began searching for him. "Father? Where are you?"

He searched high and low, and finally he found him hiding under the table behind the piano. "Father, why are you hiding here?" "Sorry son, suddenly I remembered there is nobody around here except me."
 
A woman goes to see a psychiatrist. “Doctor,” she says, “my husband just doesn’t satisfy me sexually anymore.”

“Hmm,” replies the doctor. “Have you considered taking a lover?”

“I did that,” she says, “and I’m still not getting enough sex to satisfy me.”

“How about taking another lover?”

“I keep trying that. I have seven lovers plus my husband, but I still can’t seem to get enough.”

“My goodness,” says the doctor, “you’re quite an anomaly.”

“Oh, that's a relief,” says the woman. “Will you please tell them I’m an anomaly? They all keep calling me a slut.”
 
Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye.

His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!"

"Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.

Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"
 
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards him. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry
to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and, then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
 
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what`s wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That`s great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I`d get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn`t show."
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)
"I kicked her in the face."
 
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun.

"Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on"

"Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?"

"If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
 
Southern Women


Why, everyone knows that Southern women have the best manners. And when two nicely decked out ladies started up a conversation during an endless layover at LAX, the 1st lady turned out to be an arrogant Californian, married to a wealthy man. The second was an older, well mannered woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether they had children, the Cal gal looked up dreamily,

"When my first child was born, my husband built me a beautiful mansion!"

The Southern lady commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The Cal gal continued,

"When my second child was born, my husband bought me a beautiful, red Mercedes-Benz."

Again, the Southerner commented, "Well, isn't that precious?"

The Cal gal continued her boasting.

"Then, my third child was born..., My-Husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet,"

she said, beaming and extending the wrist with the bracelet.

The Southern lady looked, and once again commented,

"Well, isn't that precious?"

Then, the Cal gal turned to her companion and smuggly asked,

"What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"

The old Southern lady smiled, "My first child," she mused,

"Why, my husband sent me to charm school?"

"Charm school!" the startled Cal gal exclaimed. "My god! What for?"

To which the Southern lady declared,

"Well I learned, for one thing, that instead of saying, 'Who gives a shit?'

I should always say,

'Well, isn't that precious?'"
 
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